Between over and next.
“Life is a learning experience day by day.” ….Norman Lear
Archie Bunker and All In the Family. Maude. Mary Hartman. One Day At A Time. Bring back memories? Sure does for me. All those beloved sitcoms by the legendary producer Norman Lear who, this month, turned 100 years young. I can remember actually reserving a Saturday night at home so we could watch Mary Hartman,Mary Hartman. And we watched with just a little bit of awe as Archie blurted out racist comments and Maude struggled with the decision of whether or not to have an abortion.
Norman Lear pushed the envelope on the discussion of certain social subjects. That brought him criticism and controversy, to be sure, but he also brought us joy and laughter on so many levels. This centenarian still plans to keep doing it as he works on an updated version of Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman.
In a recent interview with NPR, Lear recalled some of those special times and what kept him working hard even as some of his shows got off to a rough start or even flopped. But something else he said in the interview really caught my attention. He said there were two words in our English language that are too often overlooked: Over and Next. “When it’s over, it’s over,” he said. “We have to move on to the next thing.” But he especially focused on the “hammock” in between those words. “That’s living in the present moment. That’s where I am, and it couldn’t be more important to me,” he remarked.
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That resonated with me. There’s a message there for us particularly if we’re transitioning from professional life to retirement. Some fret when their career is OVER. They fear loss of meaning and purpose that was gained from a career and professional involvement. They worry about what comes NEXT, not knowing for sure what that ‘next’ might be. Lear keeps on working. Some might say they don’t have that opportunity. Then again, perhaps it’s a matter of perspective.
I think about my sister who just this week said she’d actually set a date for her retirement. This is a woman who just turned 80 and has worked fulltime as a nurse for nearly 60 years. She’s been talking about retirement for quite some time, but with this announcement I could hear her hesitancy. Nursing has been a part of her life, both professionally and socially, for a very long time. The day we talked she was baking cookies, not for her grandchildren, but to take to work for the weekly pot luck. She is a widow with four grown children and several grandchildren. There are opportunities for involvement and variety, but she’ll have to work on it. She’ll need to be “over” with nursing and on to the “next” chapter of her life.
My friend, Mary, who has done a fair amount of life coaching, said it takes about three years to shed the work persona and establish a new identity. I could identify with that. In fact I’m still working on it. I floundered for quite some time after I was home from the Nebraska Legislature. It was a bit of a culture shock to spend an entire day at home, not having to answer emails, call a constituent or prepare for a legislative session. Let’s call it life transitions. That was Transition #1.
My husband was still working at the time, but shortly thereafter he retired. So then it was a new regime with him in the house the entire time. Not only that, he decided he wanted a home office. Sorry, the third bedroom was taken (that’s my office). So now we are repositioning one end of our dining room into his office. Transition #2.
Then the unspeakable happened: the unexpected health issue that can derail the best laid plans — Mike’s cancer diagnosis — Transition#3. If there’s anything that these “transitions” should tell me is that life is all about transitions. Change really is the only thing we can be sure of.
But how do we handle it? What do we need to think about at this juncture in life? How do we manage life transitions? How do we swing from over to next?What advice is out there to help us do so? What does 100 year-old Norman Lear have to say about it?
For one thing, he’s never stopped learning. As he said, “Life is a learning experience day by day. I’ve learned something everyday from the start to this moment, and there’s far more to know.” He seems to finds “awe” in every day: “The miracle of being alive with all that’s available to us is unbelievable.”
You’re so right, Norman. But sometimes we have to remind ourselves to recognize that, particularly as we make some of those transitions from over to next. Here are some things I remind myself about:
—I have to redefine my identity. Some would say this is a life long endeavor. When I came home after the Legislature, I got really tired of people asking me what I was going to do now. Usually I told them “whatever I darn well please,” and left it at that. Fortunately, it’s been long enough now that I’m not asked that question very often. But I pose it to myself regularly because it forces me to look for new adventures, question what I really what to do with my time, what’s something new I can learn.
I read recently about a young man who committed himself to learning something new everyday no matter where he was or what he was doing. Can you imagine that we’d learn if we took on that challenge.
–And that reminds me of something else I want to keep on doing: be curious about life. Recently I made a list of all the things I’d like to do and things I’d like to learn. It was quite an extensive list. Now comes a to-do list of how to accomplish them.
—Celebrate life everyday. Mike’s cancer diagnosis really brought that home to us. Today is the one day we know we have. As my daughter reminded us: “Everyday is a gift, that’s why it’s called the present.”
Clearly there are lots of ways to celebrate , big and small. Some do it in real style. I met an interesting woman during our recent tour of Alaska. As we chatted on the cruise ship and floated by Alaskan glaciers, she mentioned she would be celebrating her 80th birthday in a month. This lively woman, retired from a Fortune 500 company, a widow with no children, is celebrating her birthday by going back to the city and area where she grew up: Los Angeles, Hollywood. There she will be renting a backlot at Warner Bros. Studios and hosting a dinner party for 100 of her “closest” friends. All are asked to wear either black or white or a combination thereof because they will be entertained all evening with Betty’s favorite black and white movies. Now that’s celebrating in style!
Not many of us would choose to or could spend $100,000 on that kind of a celebration, but the message is clear. Don’t wait, celebrate the moment and enjoy every minute of it. Everyday truly is a gift.
Norman reminded us of the hammock: “It’s the moment, live the moment, treasure it, use it — with love.”
In my searching, I found 6 tips that made sense to me about managing life transitions and setting goals for getting over and on to the next:
Make goals concrete and measurable. I try to blog is 15 minutes a day. It’s surprising what I can get done. J.K. Rowlings wrote her first book in her spare time!
Harness of the power of habit: i.e. blogging for 15 minutes. I’ve also established a morning routine for exercise, morning pages and prayer time.
Focus on what I can do, not what I can’t. Lately, I’ve added on to that: stop comparing myself to others or thinking I need what they have. Be content with who I am and what I have.
Keep it simple. No need to climb the mountain; a daily walk will do.
Allow for setbacks — because they will always come.
Make it fun. Like watching a Norman Lear comedy.
Transitions, overs and nexts. They are all part of life. But it’s the hammock and how we swing in it that can make all the difference.
Thanks for the advice, Norman.